Actual Males Don’t Drink Arduous Seltzer

A couple of days in the past the lady who helps Males’s Journal guide the dashing and rugged males who grace our covers wished to debate who we ought to be flirting with for subsequent yr’s magazines. As an train, she requested me to explain what makes our cowl guys our cowl guys.

I gave her just a few character traits, some widespread threads you could possibly discover that tie Matthew McConaughey to Kyle Chandler to Josh Brolin—guys who appear sport for journey, succesful in an surprising spot, and who will typically elevate no matter scenario they’re in. Then I added another thought: “Doesn’t drink laborious seltzer. Could not hang around with you should you provide him a tough seltzer.”

However possibly I’m simply projecting right here.

Again in April, Males’s Journal moved from New York Metropolis to North County San Diego—a spot with much more of what the world romanticizes about Southern California and quite a bit much less of what it ridicules about Southern California (for the inverse, see Orange County on to our north). However that is nonetheless Southern California, which is to say the physique cult is alive and effectively. Stroll our seashores on any given weekend, and you’ll not escape the truth that I’m clearly within the minority; there are not any scarcity of fellows guzzling Actually or White Claw or (as a result of it’s nonetheless San Diego) “craft” seltzers like Ashland.

I believe I get it; in case your targets in life are to perpetually relive spring break (which, let’s be trustworthy, is a tidy abstract for Southern California, writ massive) whereas sustaining zero-percent physique fats, laborious seltzer checks all of the containers. After just a few a long time of craft beer pushing additional down the “tastes attention-grabbing” finish of the spectrum on the expense of the “tastes refreshing” finish, it’s not a on condition that beer is the very first thing you consider once you’re grabbing a six-pack in your method to the sand (or the BBQ or the park or wherever you’re day consuming). Plus, it’s a protected wager that many ladies in attendance may have one with you.

The entire purpose laborious seltzer works is due to what it lacks. It relegates the act of consumption to a precursor, an unimportant means to the only focus finish: your buzz. There’s nothing to savor as a result of savoring is a distraction—from the all that naked pores and skin, out of your pickup artist playbook, from the following spherical of Spikeball. Arduous seltzer lacks energy, lacks sugars, lacks bloat, lacks components, lacks heft, lacks … balls.

To borrow a phrase from Walter Sobchak in The Large Lebowski, “Say what you need about craft beer, dude. At the least it’s a craft.” The native breweries round our new workplace—and actually each different scrap of American soil I can consider—have mastered the artwork of beer. The Stones and the Fashionable Occasions and the handfuls of breweries close to you bought so good at IPAs and barrel aged stouts and saisons that they’ve turned their consideration to types that pair effectively with the seashore: sours, lagers, and pilsners. Hell, they’ve even found out learn how to enhance Mexican beer, which didn’t actually need enhancing.

And whereas California won’t be recognized for the crisp, minerally white wines that may cool you off on a scorching sizzling day, our nationwide wine pallet has gotten refined sufficient you could simply discover attention-grabbing coastal Italian whites, New Zealand Sauvignon Blancs, and effervescent Portugese Vino Verdes at good bottle retailers throughout the nation.

The entire purpose laborious seltzer works is due to what it lacks.

All of which is to say there are many options to laborious seltzer which are simply as refreshing as laborious seltzer, which might awaken in you one thing greater than only a good buzz. An excellent beer or glass of wine doesn’t simply relieve stress or launch endorphins—it awakens your senses; it generates concepts and connects you to the folks with whom you’re sharing it. In brief, it makes the thrill the means to an finish, and the tip is a extra significant expertise.

Within the vernacular of American males, there isn’t a increased praise than “He looks like a man you’d wish to have a beer with.” It’s how we select our pals, our Males’s Journal cowl topics, and our flesh pressers, as a result of it’s shorthand for somebody who appears attention-grabbing, reliable, and humorous. I’ve by no means as soon as heard a man refer to a different man as somebody “you’d wish to have a tough seltzer with,” but when I did, I’d don’t know what that stated in regards to the man in query.

Really, that’s not true. I’d assume it was shorthand for somebody who appears to be like like they’d be good at Spikeball. Which brings me to my subsequent level: Actual males don’t play Spikeball. As for all the ladies you’re hoping to share your seltzer with, right here’s a professional tip: the extra attention-grabbing ones drink bourbon.


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